This unflattering assessment is verified by my own observed behavior.
Ironically, the more self-discoveries I make about my own personal flaws of character and inner demons, the more of an expert I become in addressing the topic of changing my own spiritual predicament (and being able to advise others). That is where my writing is headed and why I shouldn’t stop.
I am especially amused at all my self-defense mechanisms that I have created over the years to promote a false belief in my goodness and value to society. Every year I become more and more aware of my self-delusions—to prop up my self-image and make me feel better about myself—but which keep me living in a dream.
These uncomfortable self-revelations do not shatter me, because they offer me the possibility of a new kind of freedom—an inner freedom. This is why, each year, I am building up a fearless capacity and endurance for digging up more of the dirt deep inside myself, acknowledging that it is there, and asking God to help me resist it.
I have done this for so long that I can no longer take comfort in my outer and observable acts of friendship, but instead, have trained myself to look more carefully at my deepest motives, because something of egoism (proprium) always seems to get mixed into the equation.
It is my God-given duty to uproot this egoism that has so cleverly disguised itself in external (worldly) acts of compassion and thoughtfulness. (It even sneaks into church with me!) My egoism has learned how to make my mouth and body parts act properly when in the company of others, while keeping hidden agendas hidden and safe from view. This deceit can be a very, very subtle process.
Now I know why scientist/theologian Emanuel Swedenborg made the point that heaven is a place of innocence (from inner purging), otherwise all our good acts and charitable deeds will be tarnished and non-spiritual.