Because I was an artist and creative thinker, I had deceived myself over a long period of time that I was somehow superior to others, when in reality, I was just a jerk. So my halo was counterfeit, but it keeps appearing from time to time.
Now, I won’t even allow other people to compliment me and perpetuate this fraud.
I made this unflattering self-discovery about myself upon being introduced to the transformative spiritual ideas of Emanuel Swedenborg and George Gurdjieff.
My only perception of specialness now, from studying their ideas, is that I was put on this earth for a special duty—to help the Lord God create a heaven from the human race. To do this I had to start with myself—by putting myself intentionally under the guidance of another living mind that knew me better than I knew myself.
Eternal happiness is obtained by sacrificing all that we have incorrectly judged from this terrestrial globe as representing the highest, self-gratifying pleasures.
So, unlike others who attend their place of worship to seek comfort, I am instead seeking discomfort, with an increased ability to explore all my illusory self-images that make me feel special, calm me down, and affirm my innate goodness.
Genuine goodness does not come from training oneself to act properly in society and performing positive deeds. Egoism, if not noticed, will easily mingle with the best of our activities. Egoism will even get its foot in the door to spiritual love, because it is itself a form of love.
The hardest thing I have ever had to do is to remove my sneaky self-centeredness from all my outward acts of kindness. I have to make my new—and more genuine—halo from scratch!